Cadillac DTS

When I first started renting cars from Hertz, my choice was always a Mercury Grand Marquis or Lincoln Town Car. I have been driving Panther platform cars since my first car in 1998 ('85 LTD Crown Victoria) and felt comfortable in them. In reality, I was just not trying anything new. First, was the Grand Marquis. A fine sedan, but it lacked speed, agility, technology, and economy. The Town Car was virtually the same, except the center of the "bench" seat (if you even can call it that) was impossible for a fully-grown human being to sit on. It was like sitting on a brick. I remember, a long time ago, I had a '84 Buick LeSabre Limited and I had six full-grown adults sitting in the car and everybody was comfortable. The car looked like somebody had turned a demolition derby car into a lowrider. The Merc and Lincoln also lacked basic things like Sirius radio and a USB port. There was no way to disconnect the antenna so that I could plug in my Ipod adapter thing (it finds a dead station and plays the Ipod over that frequency, but if the radio is too good, then there are no truly dead stations and you pick up interference.) Also, with the technology that they put into the Mustang to get 300 hp and 30 mpg, you'd think they'd apply it towards their flagship cars. If I were in charge of Mercury, it would be a viable and thriving division.

Anyways, this left me looking for other full-size car options. Hertz didn't have Chargers at the time, and an Impala is FAR from a full-size car. The last REAL Impala, in my opinion, was built in 1996. So, my only other option was the Cadillac DTS (unless I wanted to go Japanese). I knew fully well that a DTS is basically an elongated Impala or Lucerne, but it had a V8, XM and even a sunroof, so I tried it out.

It was a chilly night, peppered with cold drizzle. I needed the car for one of the in-law's fancy Indian parties. I like going to these events because of the spicy food, good conversation, great people and I usually get to watch goofy 70s Indo-Pak Kung-fu rip off movies, Hilarious! The problem with my wife's side of the family is that everybody is "keepin' up with the Jones'." If you have a Camry, somebody rolls up in a ES350. If you have a G35, somebody has a M-series Infiniti. IT's not so bad if you roll up in a Corolla, but I was driving a beat-up '84 Buick LeSabre (a different one from the previous paragraphs) that had sagging springs and rusty rockers. It was dirt brown with a burgundy driver's door and the engine would diesel on after the key was turned off. It was like Uncle Buck traded in his '76 Marquis for my Buick. We were discussing which car to go to the party in and I turned to the Buick. I turned back to my wife and she didn't have to say a word... but she did. "Honey, I love you, but NO!" I could swear that as she said that, pieces of rust fell off the car.

So, there I was at the counter. I had gotten permission from the lot manager to rent a "Prestige Collection" car. It's that big of a deal to rent one. I was practically drooling over the keys and in my head I was going "GIMME, GIMME, GIMME!!!" I got the insurance in case I had to return the car on a tow truck or in a bucket and signed the agreement. It was in the Gold section, so I never got rained on and the car was nice and dry. I never really realized the luxury of having covered  lots until I needed a rental car in the rain. I looked to the right and noticed the National Alamo customers scrambling from the bus to their cars. On my left, Avis Budget was identical. I calmly strolled to the car and surveyed the brilliant machine.

Since I was behind the car, I started from there. The taillights screamed "Cadillac" since they were vertical and thin. I later found out that they were LEDs and very impressive at night. The greenhouse of the car was conservatively designed. The bodylines were simple and completed the look of the car. I would've liked to have seen some more subtle touches of chrom around the windows or door sills. From the firewall to the rear bumper, the car was well proportioned, but when I stepped out in front of that gawdy "cow-catcher" front end, I was not pleased.

The only Cadillacs I ever owned were 2 '88 front-drive DeVilles, an '85 Eldorado, and a '79 Fleetwood. All of those Caddys had strong, prominent front ends. The front of the '79 looked like you were about to get hit by Alcatraz. The new Caddy's front end looked rather low and small compared to the rest of the car. I also, don't like the stacked headlights. They didn't look right on a '68 Fleetwood and they don't look good on any other Cadillac. The rims were 18" polished aluminum wheels with Michelin tires. They looked appropriate for the car. I usually like whitewalls and wire hubcaps, but I will give anybody $100 if they find me 18" wire hubcaps.

The key fob was interesting. It was a square, little thing with tapered sides. Faux stainless caps kept all the guts from falling out and the Cadillac crest gleamed under the florescent lighting. The LEDs lit up when I unlocked the doors. I slid into the car and was impressed by the fit and finish of the interior. Being used to fabric, leather, and chrome interiors from the 80s Cadillacs, the interior was rather refreshing. I would've killed somebody for a bench seat and column shifter up front, but I realized that I'm probably the ONLY person in the world who would wish for that. Besides, the cupholders were right in the center console and I could hide my Ipod in the center. Unfortunately, The DTS has no USB cable and I didn't have the other jack for my IPOD so I was S.O.L., but I had the XM radio. I like the Blue Collar Comedy Station. I slid the key into the cylinder and cranked the engine up. I never opened the hood, but I'm pretty sure it's a Northstar V8 engine. It had an EXCELLENT exhaust tone. I wanted to cram the engine in the Buick and weld the mufflers up underneath. I goosed the gas a couple times for fun. I adjusted all my seats, belts, headrests, steering wheel, mirrors, turned the climate control to 72 defrost, set my XM and FM stations and relaxed in the leather seat. Once again, I felt like something was amiss. Being used to cushy pillow seats, the sleak, european leather seats in the Caddy were somewhat alien to me. I was also not impressed with the steering column. I would've thought that Cadillac would have installed a telescopic steering wheel in their latest cars, considering that my '79 had one. Apparently, they didn't on this trim level. I found out later that they offered the DTS with a power tilt and telescopic wheel, display screen, rear power lumbar and lane entrance assist. Before I left the parking space, I realized that I felt like I was sitting in a '09 Impala instead of a DTS. There's almost NO difference to me. I was rather dejected from that. Hopefully, that exhaust has some power to back it up. That'd cheer me up.

I eased out of the parking space and found the one REAL downside to the DTS. If you ignore everything I have said up to this point, don't ignore this. The turn-radius sucks. I had a '77 Town Car that turned better than the DTS. I had to back up and do it again. I eased the car through the security gate. The security girl was off and the short, fat guy in the booth gave me my agreement and bid me farewell. I eased it up to the first traffic light and waited. I was gonna wail on this Cadillac. I wanted to feel good that day and I needed some automotive thereapy. I turned off the traction control. The cross lights turned yellow, then red. I released the brake... milliseconds seemed like eons. I gripped the leather wrapped wheel. Sweat on my brow, I licked my lips in anticipation. I think I stopped breathing...

GREEN LIGHT!!!

I stomped that accelerator into the floor and I saw God. The front tires lit up in a fury of screeches and smoke. I turned the wheel to the left, but I realized that I was in a front-wheel drive car and it kept on going straight. The Northstar's roar was like the siren's song from the Blessed Lady of Acceleration. I rode it for as long as I could, but I had to release the gas lest I get arrested for trespassing on government property. The front wheels caught traction and jerked the front end to the left, narrowly avoiding the razor wire, chain-link fence that separated me from the O'Hare international airport. I leaned on the gas and hurdled down Bessie Coleman drive. Every chance I got, I dug into the gas, just to make her sing. It was Nirvana.

After getting all the high performance jack-assery out of my system, I got on the highway and set the cruise for 60 and headed home. All the options and gizmos that GM had to offer were like pearls before swine. I was never gonna use the heated seats or sync my phone to the car, or whatever else you could do with it. I just needed cruise, defrost and XM. I cursed mother nature for making it too cold and rainy for the sunroof. The ride was superb. I cannot lie, it was the SMOOTHEST riding car I've ever driven (except for my '84 Custom Cruiser.) The handling was not what you'd expect from a "big" sedan. It didn't have the usual banking, pitching and yawing around turns that a Grand Marquis would have. The suspension had just the right amount of give to make the ride comfortable, yet neat and tidy. I sat back and relaxed and let the miles slide underneath the tires.

The Caddy was a big hit at the party. It had Illinois plates, so nobody suspected it was a rental, but I figured that I'd have to tell them, or else I'd be doomed to renting one every time I see them. There's was plenty of room for the kid's carseats. There was plenty of trunkspace to fit the double stroller. My little girl's impression of the car was summed up in a two word sentence. "Big car." The majority of her automotive experience was in the back of an '04 Corolla. She was too young when she rode in the '68 Imperial, or the '84 Custom Cruiser, so she doesn't know big cars, yet.

On the way back to return the car, I burned some more rubber, but found the torque-steer to be too great. I vowed that the next time I pray to God, I will pray that they make a Fleetwood again with the engine from the DTS and make it rear-wheel drive with optional all-wheel drive. I want a "Caddy that Zigs" but I want it to be a big Cadillac, like they are supposed to be.

I returned the Cadillac without any remorse. It was a great car. I loved the power and feel of the engine and the car was very well put together. I just expected a Cadillac to be more... well... Cadillac-ish. It's a good replacement for somebody wanting a Grand Marquis or Town Car but also wants to be a part of the 21st century.

5-31-11

John C Kreuz